New Mama Bod Drama

New Mama Bod Drama

You finally did it- you pushed that baby out! Your baby has stopped cramping your organ space for nine months without even the decency of paying rent. You’ve got room to breathe, no baby limbs jabbing at your ribs from the inside. You can finally have sushi, Brie, wine and coffee again! Life is good... oh but wait- looks like your ex-tenant decided to leave a few unwanted things behind.

That weird belly flap. It’s been some time since my baby has vacated the premises, but there it still is. Sure, I didn’t exactly have a six-pack before, but now my midsection is a hot mess. Now every time I wear jeans, yeah, the ones I had to buy two sizes up, I have to tuck that little belly flap in like a shirt. Sure, I’ve got some stretch marks too, some in really weird spots, but at least those will fade over time. But you- little flap of skin- you don’t seem to be moving out anytime soon. So now I’ve spent a small fortune on a plethora of Spanx in my underwear drawer in an array of colours; just to suck you in a little bit. No matter how hard I try to exercise you away, there you sit, looking at me, laughing at me, taunting me.

Did you ever hear that stupid article about how ‘Dad- bods’ are the new ‘in’ thing? According to Urban dictionary, a Dad-bod is ‘a male body type that is best described as softly round. It’s built upon the theory that once a man has found a mate and fathered a child, he doesn’t need to worry about maintaining a sculpted physique.’

According to a study done by Yale University, (yup, you read that right, Yale has done a study on this) dad bods are more attractive to women. What about Mom-bod’s? When will they have their time!? Come on Yale, where is the next study that shows that my softly rounded belly is the new bikini body we’re all aiming for? #Softmombodgoals. Let’s get this trending!

Come on, fashion world. I want some flattering clothes to come into style that don’t hug my every curve that I’d like to keep hidden, but without looking like I’m wearing a tent. We can’t all look like Kim K after having a baby.

Speaking of celebs, I’m damn tired of hearing about how they ‘got their bodies back’ 2.5 hours after giving birth. It makes us normal moms wonder what we’re doing wrong.

I’ll tell you what we’re doing wrong- we aren’t millionaires with a nutritionist, personal trainer, home gym, personal chef, plastic surgeon or makeup and hair team at our beck and call. Sure, I get it, some moms bounce back quickly. Some are working obviously harder than I am to get back into their pre- pregnancy jeans. But just once, I would like to see a picture of a celeb- greasy-haired, no makeup on, belly flapping in the wind, falling asleep as she breastfeeds her kids. Is that too much to ask?

End rant.

As much as I hate that post-baby flap of skin, I am also super amazed with the things my body did and can do.

I am amazed at the fact that I use to tear up at the thought of a paper cut and now I can say that I have been through 40+ hours of labour. Twice.

I am amazed that I survived 9 months of vomiting up to 20+ times a day (I had hyperemesis gravidarum, aka extreme morning sickness) and was still able to carry two healthy babies into the world while working full time.

I am amazed at how my body could handle sleep deprivation. I remember partying in my early 20’s and being able to sleep in the next day until noon. And I still thought the next morning hangover was torture. Nope. Nothing compares to getting up multiple times through the night and still having to wake up before 6 a.m. to start your day.

I am amazed at how long I can hold a baby and squirming toddler at the same time and fight through the ache in my arms.

I am amazed at how crazy my reflexes have gotten when catching my toddler in the midst of a nosedive off a couch, or how I’ve become an Olympic sprinter when one of my babies tries to run away in a parking lot.

And so these are the truths about my post-baby body, it may not be perfect, but it has done and can do a hell of a lot. There’s no going back, so why waste time feeling bad about it?

But seriously moms lets get that hashtag trending.

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